Dear Cheryl: I am a divorced single mom with children. I married someone I had no business marrying. I don’t think I ever felt “in love”; we were not friends and did not have common interests or goals. There was no communication or respect and I was not physically or sexually attracted.
I married him so I would not have to worry about the future and to have someone to take care of things. And I thought this might be my only chance. I suffered from low self-esteem.
I divorced him because he was controlling, immature and he drank, etc. He put the children down, belittled them and made them feel bad about themselves. The divorce was nasty. My ex did the usual: hiding money, lowering his income, using the kids as pawns, etc. My kids and I have been going to therapy. I have tried to get him into therapy also so he can see his weaknesses. All I get is: I am the one with the problem, not him. During all this I met Mike, who is everything my ex is not. He would like to marry me eventually.
Now for the problem: I feel pulled to my ex. I know that deep inside there is a good person and he would like to get back together. I have so much guilt about breaking up the family. I hate dropping the kids off for the weekend, partly because I know they are not taken care of properly and left alone much of the time.
Mike has been very patient, but I sometimes find him to be dependent and weak. I wonder why he would put up with all this. I also feel bad that I did not give couple counseling 100 percent.
After years of trying to get my ex into therapy when it was do or die, all of a sudden he was game. By then I was too angry to try. Now I feel I should try. I have so much guilt and ambivalence about my ex, the divorce and Mike I can’t move forward with my life. Can you give me some feedback?
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused: The first thing we’re going to do is separate Mike from the rest of your problems. Just forget about him for now.
OK, now let’s deal with your ex. He’s a lousy husband, a lousy father and a rotten human being. What makes you so sure there’s a good person deep inside? He may very well be a jerk, clear to the bone.
Now, let’s deal with the guilt. Who have you deprived your children of? A jerk who can’t even get it together for weekly visits. He only agreed to marriage counseling to keep you, not because he wanted to change. If he wanted to change, he’d be in therapy.
You have no reason to feel guilty for trying to make a better life for you and your children. However, couple therapy is not a bad idea because you’re going to have to deal with one another forever because of your kids.
Now, about Mike. You’re not ready for a relationship until you work through your guilt. Once that’s under control, you’ll be able to move ahead with him and with your life. Good luck and let me know how it’s going.
![An extra-alarm fire destroyed a home and damaged two others on the near West side Wednesday night, though fire officials said no one was injured in the blaze. The fire broke out around 8:30 p.m. on the 1300 block of West 16th Street in the Pilsen neighborhood, according to a social media update from the Chicago Fire Department. Officials quickly upgraded the blaze to a 2-11 fire. Neighbors who clustered around the scene Wednesday night said the home had been under construction and appeared to be vacant. Although the fire was declared struck out at 9:30 p.m. in a social […]](https://www.chicagotribune.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/ctc-l-structure-fire-041724-06.jpg?w=525 "An extra-alarm fire destroyed a home and damaged two others on the near West side Wednesday night, though fire officials said no one was injured in the blaze. The fire broke out around 8:30 p.m. on the 1300 block of West 16th Street in the Pilsen neighborhood, according to a social media update from the Chicago Fire Department. Officials quickly upgraded the blaze to a 2-11 fire. Neighbors who clustered around the scene Wednesday night said the home had been under construction and appeared to be vacant. Although the fire was declared struck out at 9:30 p.m. in a social […]")
