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1. Jose Abreu’s home run binge continues. What’s his secret?
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Alex Quigley: Corked bat and steroids. Wait, that was everybody else. |
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Evan F. Moore: Being free of the restrictions of the American baseball culture. |
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Phil Thompson: Don’t have a clue, but let’s ask his new bat boy, Sammy Sosa. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Years ago, in a land far, far away, he practiced very hard at hitting a baseball. |
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Bag Boy: I think someone is secretly sending him Cuban sandwiches from home, commonly known as a “mixto.” |
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Alex Quigley: Pre-emptive strike against Liv Tyler stealing the spotlight during Super Bowl 54. |
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Evan F. Moore: If the NFL can’t make bank off of it, they don’t want it. |
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Phil Thompson: VVho knovvs. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: “Sesame Street” threatened a lawsuit if there was a Super Bowl brought to you by the letter “L.” |
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Bag Boy: The Roman numeral for 50 is L. So it’s like you’re buying a loser’s shirt. Better to go with digits. Good call. More exciting. |
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Alex Quigley: A share of the Larry O’Brien. YOU HEARD ME. |
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Evan F. Moore: Chicagoan of the Year. |
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Phil Thompson: The Derrick Rose Face of the Franchise Award. Oh, wait, he’s already won that. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: He’ll accidentally receive a best actress award from the Erotic Film Oscars for best girl-girl scene. |
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Bag Boy: The “non-tampering tamperer’s MVP Award” for getting Carmelo Anthony to sign with the Bulls. |
4. What will be different about the Cubs when their radio broadcasts move to WBBM?
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Alex Quigley: [comment deleted] |
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Evan F. Moore: The culture. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be taken seriously. |
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Phil Thompson: Instead of seventh-inning stretches, they’ll have traffic and weather on the 8s. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Instead of being on the World’s Greatest Newspaper, they’ll be on Where Base Ball Matters. OK, that didn’t work. |
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Bag Boy: I don’t know, but here’s a new slogan for WBBM: “Traffic, weather and Cubs losses on the 8s!” |
5. If California Chrome wins the Belmont to complete the Triple Crown …
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Alex Quigley: … I’ll be shocked. That extra quarter mile won’t be kind to CC. |
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Evan F. Moore: … we can all go back to doing what we were doing before. |
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Phil Thompson: … then his next stops will be Fillydelphia and Mare-land. Rawr. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: … he still will be working in animal-like conditions. |
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Bag Boy: … he’ll be the most important horse out of California since Seabiscuit. |
