News |

SPENDING 10 YEARS ON PINS AND NEEDLES

Never have we gotten as much mail as we did in response to Barbara.

Remember Barbara? She was the wife of 20 years whose husband was having an affair with Kay and wanted a divorce. He moved out for a week and then moved back, ”just until they got things worked out.” One week led to another and then another. He`s been home now for 10 years, but in all those years, they`ve never discussed his affair, and Barbara has never gotten over the hurt. Every day she wonders, ”Could it happen again?”

We asked what you would say to Barbara. Your responses told us more about you than about her. Here are a few . . .

– Mildred: ”Kick him out! I don`t care if you`ve got 12 kids and a Porsche. I know from whence I speak. I just got my divorce. I`m 55 years old, married for 36 years. Maybe he thinks life passed him by and he needed the young stuff. I feel like I`ve been to hell and back this past year, but I survived.”

– Rose: ”Since he was only gone a week and has been home for 10 years, it`s safe to say he isn`t going anywhere. Forget about it and go on with your life.”

– Ron: ”Barbara said she was `a little overweight.` When a woman lets herself go, she is asking for marital problems. She wrote that when she couldn`t find him, she got `a chill.` I get the feeling she was jealous before he started to cheat on her. One has to wonder if she pushed him into this affair.”

– Mrs. V: ”Hate him, Barbara. Hate him so much that the heartache stops. Despise him for his cruel silence.”

– Kay: ”I am another Kay. I hurt, too. How could he say he loved me, yet move back with her? I`m not a home-wrecker, immoral or sleazy. I`m probably a lot like Barbara. All I know is, I envy her. She can lie next to him and be with him in public. Take care of him, Barbara. I wish I could.”

– Nancy: ”The male is not monogamous by nature; Canadian geese are.”

– Pam: ”Something similar happened to me 12 years ago. I, too, thought I couldn`t survive, so I tried everything to keep our marriage together. Deep inside I knew I didn`t really want him, only the security he provided. He knew I could never forgive him, so he left for good. I`m glad. I believe if he strayed once, he will do it again.”

– Jack: ”Dump him. No human being should be treated in such a manner.”

– Belinda: ”I`m not so sure there ever was a Kay. I think your husband is a sadistic son-of-a-gun who enjoyed upsetting your happy complacency, putting you on your toes and keeping you there for 10 years. It`s time you rattled his security. Arrange occasional, unexplained absences. It`s time he lost a few pounds!”

– Kathy (who was the Other Woman): ”When you stop feeling sorry for yourself, ask yourself this: Are you happy? Is your husband happy? If he`s staying with you out of responsibility, fear and guilt-not love-do you still want him? Affairs are the result of an unhappy marriage, not the cause. You`re scared, but fear can force a person to grow old and bitter. Life is too short. You asked, `Could it happen again?` It may still be happening.”

– Don: ”Pretend you`re French. A Frenchman plays around, but the family stays together. You are still loved and wanted, but a man`s groin doesn`t pay attention to his brain. Vive la France!”

– Maggy: ”Two years ago I discovered my husband in the arms of a young and pretty woman. I was devastated. The turning point came when my husband and I talked to a counselor. I hated going. The pain was almost more than I could stand. But without it, my husband and I would never have learned to communicate. It wasn`t easy, but my marriage is now happier and healthier than ever.”

– Denise: ”How can you be such a doormat? If I was married to someone who accepted any type of behavior, unconditionally, from me, I`d stray, too.” Love means never having to say . . . Fill in the blank and send your replies to Lavin & Kavesh, Tales from the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.